Spy Kids: Armageddon
NETFLIXSpy Kids: Armageddon is the final death knell for a franchise that ran out of charm long ago. Robert Rodriguez returns to direct yet another installment in his famed Spy Kids franchise, and this time he decided to go the full blown reboot route for agents of the OSS. In the process of rebooting the main continuity, and essentially giving us a mashup of Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over and the original Spy Kids, Rodriguez also seems to have forgotten about what made the original film such a fun nostalgia trip for so many people. There's no heart in this CGI-fueled monstrosity with an over reliance on what Rodriguez believes is "cool" to a younger generation, with one of the most boring in-film video games of all time.
The cast as a whole isn't necessarily an issue, the child actors doing everything they can, but they ultimately don't carry the most compelling narrative arcs due to the simplification of them down to just being talking heads to spout the themes of the film to the audience. While this is a film primarily intended for a younger audience, there is something off-putting about how simple and blindingly obvious the themes of kindness and truth are shoved down the throats of anyone unfortunate enough to have turned this on. These themes are conveyed in quite possibly the laziest manner available: by having children actors read them directly from a book they found in their parents secret agent cave.
Connor Esterson plays Tony Torrez, a young kid with a love for video games and a high IQ. While Everly Carganilla plays his rule-loving sister, Patty Torrez, who has a desire to solve things peacefully. These are relatively simple characterizations, which would generally be fine, but these children never become more than this. If your film is going to be closing in on a two hour runtime, it is most certainly important for the leads to have something resembling dynamic character progression. Instead of that, the audience receives wooden dialogue and static, unlikable characterization. This happens to not only the kids, but manifests itself in the form of their parents as well. Their father, Terrence Tango (Zachary Levi), and their mother Nora Torrez (Gina Rodriguez) are some of the least interesting characters put to film this year. None of the charm present within the adults of the original films is here. Each of these actors are unable to do much more than provide a segway into the next scene, because any charisma present has been underutilized and turned into a vacuum sucking the life from each scene.
There could be some semblance of forgiveness available if the film itself did not look as flat and unispired in its use of constantly revolving CGI elements present in each scene. This is true for the handful of real locations and sets built for the film as well. From a purely technical standpoint, this is about as dreary and unlikeable as a film can get without being borderline unwatchable. While other films in the series were by no means CGI powerhouses, especially Game Over, the quirky heart and fun art direction present in the first two films is non-existent here. Unfortunately, there is also nothing of note to report from the sound design or composition, as it sticks to a very standard level for the entire runtime.
Rodriguez made the mistake of going the legacy sequel route too soon in 2011 with Spy Kids: All the Time in the World and now has stuck audiences with the worst film in the franchise. There is something to be said about making this a reboot to allow the newer generations the opportunity to discover this franchise, but by sticking it in the neverending, constantly dissolving library of Netflix, Rodriguez has not only created what amounts to a terrible movie but also destroyed any hopes of this newer film having a lasting impact of any kind. This is by no means an A-list franchise that should never have its legacy tarnished – quite the opposite really – but the Spy Kids franchise is one that should be shaped and molded for each new generation. It is really just a shame that it has been decided that Spy Kids: Armageddon is what the newer generations of kids deserve.
Spy Kids: Armageddon is, without a doubt, one of the worst films of 2023 and an insult to the intelligence of children worldwide. Robert Rodriguez is a more than capable director, and should absolutely continue to take big swings as he normally does. This is not the way to be doing this though. Alita: Battle Angel, Machete Kills, and Sin City show that Rodriguez can make an exciting film with interesting ideas and themes. It just seems as though he has lost his touch for making Spy Kids films. This is a good thing, as this franchise should absolutely be buried after Armageddon.