Fantasy Island
FANTASY ISLAND - SONY
Fantasy Island should have stayed a show. Honestly, there might be an okay mid-budget Netflix series sitting amongst the ruins of this middling film. There could be a “horror” reimagining of the 1970s show of the same name but by forcing a season’s worth of plot into one movie, the numerous twists and reveals have no time to breathe. They quickly become slapstick, garish and, worst of all, boring.
For anyone who is not deeply familiar with late 20th Century American television ephemera, Fantasy Island follows the enigmatic Mr Roarke (Michael Pena) whose mysterious island grants visitors their “fantasy” but rarely in the way they expected. Usually, lessons are learned and the guests leave with a renewed sense of purpose. It’s all a little schlocky and “of its time” so, in theory, the decision to shift the show’s more sentimental tone into the horror genre is a clever one.
And for the first hour or so, Fantasy Island works well.
Five guests arrive on the island and discover that their wildest dreams can come true. At this point, the visitors should begin to discover that their fantasies are actually nightmares through semi-clever “Monkey’s Paw” reveals Except this never happens. None of the five main characters’ misfortunes, in any way, correlate to the fantasies they asked for. The essence of what Fantasy Island should be is pushed aside in service of a plot twist that completely derails the entire film.
Without going too far into spoiler territory, the entire film hinges on a late-stage recontextualization that is neither coherent nor particularly interesting. It’s just there but requires significant mental gymnastics to make any sense to the viewer.
Lots of great horror films, however, have weak plots. Are the scares any good? In a word: no. The PG 13/15 rating limits any potential for violence. The kill count is shockingly low and only one of the fantasies includes any horror elements whatsoever. For a film being heavily marketed as horror, it is much closer to an adventure film, like Jurassic Park (though don’t take that as any sort of endorsement).
The worst crime Fantasy Island commits though – by far – is how dull it is. The runtime is a bloated two hours and, for all the plot packed into it, still moves at a snail’s pace. There’s not even a hint of self-awareness or enjoyment from anyone involved, with the entire cast giving off major “in it for the paycheck” energy throughout their performances. Likewise, the production feels rushed and a bit cheap. It’s all so palpably uninspired that it can’t even be recommended to B-movie enthusiasts.
At one point, Mr Roarke mentions to the guests that once they leave the island, they won’t remember what happened, only how it made them feel. Truer words have never been spoken. Those who decide to sit through this inane movie will forget the plot instantly yet the vague feeling of self-loathing for having watched it will stick around for a while.
FANTASY ISLAND is released February 14th 2020
