Dolittle
DOLITTLE - Universal
Seriously, what is going on at Universal Studios? To paraphrase the great Oscar Wilde, releasing one big-budget disaster directed by an Academy Award winner and starring a cavalcade of A-listers as animals may be regarded as a misfortune; releasing two, looks like carelessness. Unfortunately, this one is not even fun to watch.
Robert Downey Jr. of Iron Man fame has decided that his first post-Marvel project would be a new adaptation of a series of novels by Hugh Lofting focused on Doctor Dolittle, a man who can talk to animals. He is a familiar character for most viewers between the 1967 Best Picture nominated version starring Rex Harrison, as well as the two Eddie Murphy-fronted ones that are both verified-rotten on Rotten Tomatoes. Lucky for Murphy, he is now just the second-worst received Dolittle.
As this is an action-comedy made for children, featuring talking animals, the powers-that-be picked Stephen Gaghan, director of Syriana, a dark-drama film about petroleum politics in the Middle East, as their writer/director. Meanwhile, Downey made the baffling decision to base his character off a little-known Welsh pagan physician and imbued his Dolittle with an excruciating accent to match. The rest of the - mainly animal - cast is rounded out with marquee names like Antonio Banderas, Rami Malek, Emma Thompson, and Tom Holland, who clearly have no desire to be here.
All of this most likely sounds like the definition of a mediocre film, but not outright abysmal. However, even with a well-known character, excellent cast, talented director, it is surprising just how dreadful Dolittle is. After an animated prologue that borrows liberally from the opening in Up, the movie immediately begins throwing plot and backstory at viewers with alarming speed. A dishevelled Dolittle who has retreated from society for over a decade is presented in one scene, but by the next, he is perfectly capable of interacting with the Queen’s staff at Parliament and is dressed to the nines for the occasion.
DOLITTLE - Universal
It is also worth noting that despite the breakneck pace of Dolittle, nothing happens for the majority of the film. The “perilous journey” that is referenced is nothing more than a couple of island visits, where no one ever seems in too much danger. Moreover, whenever something of vague interest happens, the complication is introduced and resolved within a scene or two. If a viewer is coming into the film expecting a swashbuckling adventure, they have come to the wrong place entirely.
Nevertheless, when light on action, what do Gaghan and his four co-writers do to use up the runtime? Well, they attempt jokes. Furthermore, this is what pushes the movie into the shockingly lousy territory that takes precedent. The majority of the punchlines are a mix of dated references and bathroom humour, often with line-reads by actors who seem embarrassed by what they are saying. Every single joke lands with a thud and the forced levity ends up becoming monotonous, killing the already gruelling pace.
SPOILER ALERT! If anyone actually cares, this part of the film truly must be explained to understand the experience of seeing it. The climax of $175 million dollars A-lister filled movie ends with Robert Downey Jr. diagnosing a dragon - yep, they exist apparently - with a blocked colon and has to reach his hand into her anus and pull out undigested parts of the humans she has eaten, including armour, bones, and a bagpipe. At some point during this segment, the dragon, played by Tony-winner Frances de la Tour, releases gas leading to the most joyless fart joke ever put to the silver screen. To reiterate, this is the finale of the movie. Everything viewers have watched for nearly two hours leads to this moment. It cannot even be called a miss-step, but a complete dismissal of what makes a film work. It is a moment that leaves its audience in stunned silence, shocked by the audacity of this movie ever seeing the light of day.
Oh, and unlike Universal’s other recent major flop, the infinitely meme-able CATS, this is not a film that’s even enjoyable to hate-watch. It is just frustrating, tedious slog of a cash grab. On the plus side, next years’ Razzie Awards already have their de-facto winner.
DOLITTLE is released January 17th 2020
