Cats
CATS © 2019 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS
It is hard to comprehend what the usually joyless, prestige director Tom Hooper was hoping to achieve when he took on the task of adapting the often ridiculed yet surprisingly successful Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Cats, which itself was adapted from a random piece of T.S. Eliot ephemera titled Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats. Whatever his intention, what he let loose upon the world is without question the most bizarre major studio release to come out of 2019 — possibly of all time.
The film stars Royal Ballet performer Francesca Hayward as Victoria, a cat who is abandoned in an alleyway before being taken in by a tribe of cliquey cats called Jellicles. She soon discovers that they are all preparing for the Jellicle Ball, a yearly event in which their leader, Old Deuteronomy — played by Dame Judi Dench — chooses the most worthy cat to ascend to the Heaviside Layer and be reborn in a new life. Various stars of the stage and screen then perform elaborate musical numbers while begging for death until the film ends two-hours later. Confused? That’s fine. The incoherent non-plot has never been the reason to seek out Cats in any form. The draw is the inexplicably catchy songs that serve as the competing cats’ introductions, nearly all of which are destined to play on repeat in the viewer’s head for days after leaving the theater. It’s the fourth-longest running Broadway show for a reason.
For the most part, these versions are good! Robbie Fairchild capably shoulders a majority of the numbers with ease while Top 40 mainstays Taylor Swift and Jason Derulo are doing what they do best and palpably enjoying themselves during “Macavity” and “The Rum Tum Tugger”, respectively. Unfortunately, Jennifer Hudson is short-shifted during usual showstopper “Memory” by Hooper’s blatant attempt to recreate the magic of Anne Hathaway’s Les Miserables performance instead of letting this be its own thing. It’s a disappointing miscalculation that is indicative of the fool-hardiness of the endeavour as whole.
CATS © 2019 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS
Translating Cats to the screen is a Sisyphean task. The concept of earnest performances from actors with painted-on whiskers and hair-covered leotards only works live on stage as 1998’s disconcertingly faithful, direct-to-video adaptation proves. Yet, here is a new movie version. How these well-intentioned yet obviously short-sighted creatives decided to adapt the cats of Cats became the stuff of nightmares: malformed feline/human hybrids that have emerged from the bowels of the uncanny valley to reek havoc on movie-goers around the globe.
Cats is an unmitigated disaster as a traditional film and everyone involved is undoubtedly disappointed in both the final product and its savage reception. This is a given but just like the unlovable cat that Dame Judi Dench sends into the sky to die, this grotesquerie will undoubtedly find a new life as a midnight movie cult sensation alongside other earnestly bonkers films like The Room, Showgirls and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Social media is already abuzz with tales of its rowdier screenings. Theaters full of strangers began descending into a kind of chaotic madness as they collectively came to grips with what they were witnessing. Videos have appeared online of viewers singing, clapping, laughing and shrieking at the antics of these tap-dancing tabbies. This is not an experience to spend in silent shock but in a joyful celebration that something this wild is allowed to exist.
About ten minutes into the film, around the moment, that the crotch-scratching, cockroach-munching, mouse-orchestrating Jennyanydots — played by an in-on-the-joke Rebel Wilson — unzips her own skin to reveal a sparkling pink costume underneath, every viewer of Cats has to make a choice: will they try to stay objective, keeping a mental distance from these horrifically rendered chimaeras with the mutated faces of some of the world’s most recognizable talent, or will they allow themselves to fall head-first, like Alice down the rabbit hole, into the sheer camp lunacy of this singing and dancing feline suicide cult? Reader, choose the latter.
Cats is released December 20th 2019
